I have been asked many times before, how healing my hurt from being raped and sexually abused has helped me. Well let me begin with this. There was a time that I was a mean, defensive person who believed that because of what I endured, the world owed me something in return. I believed that everyone was out to harm me in some form or fashion. My guard was always up and I had built a very large wall up around my heart and I would not allow anyone to truly penetrate. My trust level was below zero and that was my normal. I had no idea that I was holding on to so much emotional hurt from my past. I had gotten married and had 3 beautiful children. The horrible acts I endured were not constantly on my mind. I didn’t have reoccurring nightmares at all. I believed that I was ok.
It was not until my separation from my ex-husband that I actually took some time to do a true self evaluation of myself. Im not really sure what prompted that self evaluation but I am glad that it happened. During my evaluation I had to figure out why I kept having failed relationships, why I couldn’t allow any man to truly love me for me. I had to figure out what was wrong with me and what would it take to bring about change. The hurt was so deep that I realized I had hate imbedded in me and it was imperative for me to release it all. After looking deep within myself, I realized that I was also carrying a lot of anger and even some self-hate. It was the anger that brought about the fighting and hateful words I spewed around and the self hate that made me have such low self esteem. The feelings of unworthiness were heavy.
After I was able to pinpoint where all my anger, hate, hurt, and feelings of being unworthy stemmed from, I was able to release it and finally be free. After months and months of prayer, crying, and reliving the horrible past, I found myself in a place of inner peace. Everyone will have their own way of dealing with their hurt and releasing their pain. My way was to write a release letter to each person who hurt me physically and mentally (the abusers), emotionally (the ones who didn’t protect me), spiritually (God because part of me blamed him). I wrote so many letters to so many people letting them know that I forgive them for what they did to me. After I wrote the letters, I burned them and during the burning of them l vowed to release the hurt forever. I also wrote a letter to myself forgiving myself for hating myself and promising myself to allow my heart, mind, and soul to heal.
That was 4 years ago. Today, I am still healing and allowing myself to love me fully. I have forgiven those who hurt me and I have released that hurt to the fire. I am no longer consumed with hate and anger but now with living a peaceful and happy life.
The person I was years ago is not the person I am today…thankfully.
We all need to try and get to the point where we are seeking the healing that we deserve. If we do not, it can and will destroy us from the inside out. It can and will destroy the personal relationships that we have with others. It can and will destroy any professional relationships we may have. We may not realize it, but it is true. We must Heal our Hurt!!!
If you are always on the defensive, always angry, have low self esteem or feelings of unworthiness and have been raped and or sexually abused, it is imperative to heal. Take the time to look deep within yourself and seek out change. Ask yourself, “What will it take for me to heal and live a happy, healthy life?”
~~Heal Your Hurt