Let your TEST be your TESTIMONY

I know it has been a minute since I have last posted and I apologize for that. I have been very busy trying to build and grow my organization. Well today as I was scrolling through Facebook I came upon a video posted by Mr. Tyrese Gibson and in the video he speaks about not allowing your current situation or circumstance to stop your from dreaming. He was also speaking about how no matter your financial situation, you don’t have to allow yourself to be around drama and dysfunction. Just watching his video touched my spirit in ways that he would never know. I can honestly say that my childhood life has not been the best life. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, was sexually abused by my stepfather for numerous years, was raped in the 9th grade, I was  a cutter and watched my stepfather beat the heck out of my mother on an almost daily basis.  I could have allowed my circumstances to leave me in a state of despair and depression. I could have stopped myself from dreaming and working towards my goals but I did not. I have been through numerous tests in my 37 years of life and share my testimonies to help encourage and uplift others. In Tyrese’s video he said something so very profound. He said that sometimes God has to pull you back to advance you forward…kind of like a slingshot. Now take a moment and think about that.  Picture a slingshot.  You have placed a rock in it and in order to propel it forward, you must first pull it back and then let it go. One you let it go, it shoots into the air…high up into the air.  Well the same is with God. Sometimes before you can soar, you must be pulled back…you must go through some things.  It is through your going through that you can grow and excel. I would like for you to see the video by Tyrese for yourself and come to your own conclusion.  Take what is being said and apply it to your daily life. I’m certain that you will be blessed in abundance. I know I was.

May God bless you & keep you!!!

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My name is Yuoranda Walker. …

My name is Yuoranda Walker and for 10 years my step father used my body for his own perverted pleasure. He touched me on my private areas and even once attempted to penetrate me.

My name is Yuoranda Walker and in the 9th grade I was raped in my bedroom while my mother and my brothers were fast asleep. I allowed a boy that I liked to come through my bedroom window…just to talk. He wanted to do more. I didnt. He began to touch me. I told him to stop. He didnt. I didn’t deserve to get raped but I did. 

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I am a two time rape survivor. 
After I separated from my second husband, I formed a friendship with a guy. He was very nice to me. One night I invited him over to hang out. I got a weird feeling when he entered my home, but passed it up to being nervous and having butterflies. I liked him. He sat next to me and we chatted for a little while. He began to force himself on me. I begged him to stop..he didn’t. He raped me while my two children were asleep upstairs.

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I aged out of the Georgia foster care system. In the 11th grade after the sexual abuse by my step father came out…for the 2nd time, I was placed in foster care while he remained in the home. I was taken from everything I knew. I lived in 3 different foster homes. 

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I have experienced homelessness with my children. I have begged strangers for money to feed my children. 

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I experienced the emotional and mental effects of domestic violence between my mother and step father. 

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I was in a domestic violent marriage. I was the abuser. I was living my life in anger and rage and took it out on my ex husband…oftentimes in front of my children. 

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I aborted my unborn child in the 10th grade under the direction of my mother.

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I used to cut on my body to release my emotional pain. The last time i cut myself was at the age of 21.

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I attempted suicide in the 9th grade and again in my second marriage. 

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I began drinking alcohol in the 9th grade and smoking in the 11th grade. By my second marriage, I drank soley to get drunk.

My name is Yuoranda Walker and I hated looking at myself. I hated who I was and believed myself to be a failure. I didnt care what happened to me. I didnt love me. I hated me. I hated life. 

My name is Yuoranda Walker and one day I gave up trying to live my life according to my plan. I realized I was broken, bruised, and beaten down and needed help. I needed healing. I needed Jesus. I called out to Him. He came in my life and changed me from who I used to be to who I am today. He wiped my tears and cleaned me up. He gave me a new life…In Him. I’m not perfect…but I’m striving for perfection in Him. This journey didn’t happen overnight. It took time, tears, and self evaluation. I had to pray, forgive, and push forward. I had weak moments, days, even weeks. I still do but i learned that He was my strength. It is because of Him that I’m am able to share my testimony with the world. I don’t look like what I have been through. I am a survivor…by the grace of God!!! Satan tried to kill me, steal from me, and destroy me. God allowed me to go through these trials because He knew when I came out…I would give Him the glory!!! He knew there would be others who needed to hear my story so they could see that God did it for me and they can now have hope that He will do it for them too!!! He restored my faith in love by showing me true unconditional love. He loved me when everyone turned their backs on me….including myself. He is called Healer for a reason!!!!!

My name is Yuoranda Walker!!! I am a survivor!!! I am a child of the Most High God!!! I am because HE is!!!

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Emotionally Unstable

Sometimes you will be overcome with emotion and may not even know why or where its coming from. I encourage you to explore those emotions to get to the reasoning behind them. It doesn’t matter if you are angry, sad, overly exited…find out what is driving it…where does it come from. I have found that when I find myself overly sad or frustrated its usually because I am carrying things from the past. I am subconsciously carrying things that I may have forgotten about or previously failed to confront. When we refuse to deal with things that have hurt us in some way and push it away, it will eventually resurface in some form or fashion. Deal with it and stop running. Once you have truly dealt with it, then the next time it comes up, it wont overtake you emotionally. You won’t feel so overwhelmed and unable to cope. A lot of times we don’t realize that we can release a lot of the unnecessary burdens on our shoulders simply by dealing with them.

Heal Your Hurt

Forgiving those who hurt me

    So many people that I have spoken with about my abuse have informed me that had it been them, they could never forgive. Oddly enough, I used to think the exact same way. I used to tell myself that forgiveness was something I could never do. The pain I carried so deeply inside was real and there was a part of me that wanted to continue to hurt…forever. Besides, how could I forgive someone who never admitted their wrong much less asked for my forgiveness?

    Well there came a time when I realized that a sin is a sin. There is no big sin/little sin and if I ever wanted God to forgive me for my sins…well I had better forgive others for theirs. Besides, isn’t that what the Bible says; thta we must forgive those who trespass against us.  Of course it does. So in realizing that I needed forgiveness too, I set out to start my process of forgiving. Of course it was no easy feat. As a matter of fact, forgiving the person who violated me in the worst way, my stepfather, was hard as hell. And forgiving my mother for protecting him instead of me was just as hard…but at the end of each night I knew it was something I had to do.

    Well that was many years ago and although I eventually did forgive my mother and stepfather, secretly in my heart, I had never actually told them I forgave them. So here it was  a few days after Thanksgiving 2013. I had just published my book, Healing the Rage Within, which is a true life story of my abuse and betrayal.  I had actually been calling my mother and stepfather for a couple days but to no avail did I get to speak with them. As I was online one evening, urging my readers to post their book reviews. the phone rang. It was my mother. I almost did not answer it but I knew deep down that it was now or never…so I answered.

     When my mother spoke and acknowledged that it was indeed her, I asked if my stepfather could get on the phone as well.  He did and I finally had the two people who had let me down in more ways than one on my phone….waiting. As the silence grew, something spoke to my spirit and said, Forgiveness is for YOU not THEM. And it was at that moment that I knew I needed to say what was necessary and true so that I could go on. I spoke with my stepfather first and informed him that what he did to me was unacceptable,  horrible and unforgetable, but that I forgave him. I told him that I hope and pray that he has sought forgiveness from God for himself. He did not respond, but I was ok with that. I then began to speak with my mother and informed her that I also forgave her for not protecting me.  I told them both about my book and how just because I was forgiving them did not mean that what they did (or did not do) was acceptable to me because it was not. I explained to them that me forgiving them was for me to be square with my God.

     Being a position where  I could honeslty say, “I forgive you for hurting me” was hard to do, but so necessary for my healing process. I thank God that I know enough of HIS word to know what I must do for my blessings, grace, and mercy. I thank Him for giving me the power to do it and mean it. I thank Him for forgiving me because I have forgiven others.

 

How healing my hurt has helped me grow

I have been asked many times before, how healing my hurt from being raped and sexually abused has helped me.  Well let me begin with this.  There was a time that I was a mean, defensive person who believed that because of what  I endured, the world owed me something in return.  I believed that everyone was out to harm me in some form or fashion.  My guard was always up and I had built a very large wall up around my heart and I would not allow anyone to  truly penetrate.  My trust level was below zero and that was my normal.  I had no idea that I was holding on to so much emotional hurt from my past.  I had gotten married and had 3 beautiful children.  The horrible acts I endured were not constantly on my mind.  I didn’t have reoccurring nightmares at all.  I believed that I was ok.

It was not until  my separation from my ex-husband that I actually took some time to do a true self evaluation of myself.  Im not really sure what prompted that self evaluation but I am glad that it happened.  During my evaluation I had to figure out why I kept having failed relationships, why I couldn’t allow any man to truly love me for me.  I had to figure out what was wrong with me and what would it take to bring about change.   The hurt was so deep that I realized I had hate imbedded in me and it  was imperative for me to release it all.  After looking deep within myself, I realized that I was also carrying a lot of anger and even some self-hate.  It was the anger that brought about the fighting and hateful words I spewed around and the self hate that made me have such low self esteem.  The feelings of unworthiness were heavy. 

After I was able to pinpoint where all my anger, hate, hurt, and feelings of being unworthy stemmed from, I was able to release it and finally be free.  After months and months of prayer, crying, and reliving the horrible past, I found myself in a place of inner peace. Everyone will have their own way of dealing with their hurt and releasing their pain.  My way was to write a release letter to each person who hurt me physically and mentally  (the abusers), emotionally (the ones who didn’t protect me), spiritually (God because part of me blamed him).  I wrote so many letters to so many people letting them know that I forgive them for what they did to me.  After I wrote the letters, I burned them and during the burning of them l vowed to release the hurt forever.  I also wrote a letter to myself forgiving myself for hating myself and promising myself to allow my heart, mind, and soul to heal.  

That was 4 years ago.  Today, I am still healing and allowing myself to love me fully.  I have forgiven those who hurt me and I have released that hurt to the fire.  I am no longer consumed with hate and anger but now with living a peaceful and happy life.  

The person I was years ago is not the person I am today…thankfully. 

We all need to try and get to the point where we are seeking the healing that we deserve.  If we do not, it can and will destroy us from the inside out.  It can and will destroy the personal relationships that we have with others.  It can and will destroy any professional relationships we may have.  We may not realize it, but it is true. We must Heal our Hurt!!! 

If you are always on the defensive, always angry, have low self esteem or feelings of unworthiness and have been raped and or sexually abused, it is imperative to heal.  Take the time to look deep within yourself and seek out change.  Ask yourself, “What will it take for me to heal and live a happy, healthy life?” 

 

~~Heal Your Hurt